The Adventures of Galadriel, An Incompetent Elf
by Inuchron
Summary: Like any Dragonborn, Galadriel enjoys fighting, looting and stealing things. Pity she's an idiot. The  mostly true adventures of a complete and utter noob.
1. Chapter 1

**The Adventures of Galadriel, An Incompetent Wood-Elf**

Part 1: Honeydew Caves and a Grizzly Discovery

It was a horrible, dreary day, and my horse trotted along quite merrily like the annoying beast he is. Damn thing is better at fighting off wolves and bandits than I am. As soon as I'm off his saddle, off Horsie goes, bucking and kicking until the wolf is very much dead and I'm still fumbling to get out my battleaxe. Of course, I really should be reaching for my bow and arrow, but I'm a progressive wood-elf, and find the stereotype of 'Elves are archers,' to be as old fashioned as doilies and flowery wallpaper. So yes, I was specialising in two-handed weapons with a bit of good ol' fire magic to back it up.

Where was I? Oh yes, I was trotting along with Horsie, enjoying the winter shower that chilled me through my light armour when I spotted a cave. My adventurer's sense (other people call it Looter's sense, but I'm an adventurer, I swear!) went tingling off the charts, so I parked Horsie under a nice tree to keep him dry and went to investigate.

My map called it Honeydew Cave, and I could see a beehive attached to the roof that presumably gave it the name. Then I realised that something big and heavy was clawing at my back in a rather unsettling and health draining way. I turned round as quickly as I could and lit my hands with magic flame. I swear, I didn't scream when I realised it was a bear. No, you must've been hearing someone else. Yes, there was no one else around. Shut up.

So, with my battle cry sounded, I sent all the fire I could at the bear, never letting up for a moment. Of course, the damn thing decided that getting a tiny bit roasted alive was no reason it shouldn't continue to try and claw my spine straight out of my torso. I probably should've tried to block the bear or use my trusty battle-axe, but sometimes getting clawed at by a bear really puts a stop to any higher brain functions.

It eventually succumbed to my magic, and I stood in triumph over its corpse, rifling through the fur to see if there was any loose change caught in the hairs. Why are you looking at me like that? If giant frostbite spiders can carry loose change, then why are you discriminating against bears you racist?

So, my foe defeated and the corpse several pounds lighter since I skinned it and pried off it's teeth and claws (leaving behind a fun surprise for any small children gallivanting through the forest), I went into the cave to snoop around for any treasure.

Then I came face to face with two more bears.

My magic was depleted, my fingers were fumbling around to get my battle-axe ready and all I could do was quickly run away like a brave hero who knows when to back down and not like a coward. Really, I mean it!

Back with Horsie, I grabbed a quick Potion of minor healing and used a bit of my recovering magic to heal up all the way. Then I prepared myself. I went back into the cave, promptly ran out of magic again, and came back out. I swear, those bears were far more angry than they had any right to be. I was the one getting mauled!

I finally realised that if magic wasn't working, then maybe I should use that battleaxe I was neglecting. Only because I knew I could take those bears on with magic, see. Not because I forgot about it or anything.

So, third time's the charm, right? Right!

The two bears got a hefty battle axe to the face, payback for my ruined shirt and armour. They didn't stand a chance!

So, with the cave finally cleared of unreasonably angry animals, I went to peruse the rest of the cave. I was really hoping there'd be some bandits around. Those guys were so fun to mess with. And there was a bandit. Except he was dead, which really takes the fun out of things. Still, you can't just leave a money-laden corpse lying around, so I searched through the pockets and found a pretty good stack of gold. Why are you looking at me like that? If I left the gold, no one would have found it and it would've gone to waste, and if I left all the gold in the pockets of slain bandits, why, the entire economy of Skyrim would go under! I'm doing the world a favour here!

There was also a huge chest with an open lock on it. It was practically shouting 'LOOK AT ME, I HAVE PRETTY THINGS INSIDE! YOU WANT TO HELP THE ECONOMY DON'T YOU?', so of course I rifled through it.

Coming out of that cave 50 gold pieces richer and closer to reaching my next level in skill, I didn't mind the rain, or the Skeever running around. Horsie could take care of it I knew, and then the two of us would be off again, headed to the next money-rich bandit ca...I mean, the next town. So I could spend the money. Y'know. Because that's why I looted those corpses. Economy and such...

- Galadriel Lv.7

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><p>I don't own Any Elder Scrolls copyright, but I do own Skyrim and have been playing it. Badly.<p>

Writing style is borrowing heavily from Hajime Kanzaka's Slayer's series.

Inuchron


	2. You Know What They Say About

**The Road To Hell...**

So after that fiasco with the bears, what with the mauling and the near death, I decided that me and Horsie should go and do a little exploring of the surrounding countryside. I picked out my map, closed my eyes and with a flourish that only Horsie could truly apprechiate, jabbed my finger at it. Hey, that may seem like a stupid way to do things to you, but who's the one with all the loot and the fine weapons? That's right, me.

So I look at my map, and realise that I'd never seen this symbol before. A dragon trapped in a diamond. Dragons? Diamonds? I'd hit the motherloving jackpot! So I hop on Horsie and ride him hard until he's steaming and looking a little sorry for himself (he keeps stealing my kills, so I've started to think of things like this as pay back), and I eventually come across a safe haven from the wolves and sabre-tooth cats that keep trying to kill me when I pass too close. And by too close, I mean pass by several hundred yards away.

I'd come across a hidden Imperial army camp! Oh happy days! Finally, some human interaction! Think of all the food I could eat, the info I could get, the chests and drawers lying about filled with gold, just waiting for me to walk in and liberate! I stopped Horsie next to the few Imperial horses there, so he could make some friends and hopefully stop him being such an aggressive beastie because seriously, I need that experience you dumb animal!

Happy my Horsie was getting along well, I marched into camp.

On one side, there was a small rocky outcropping where a soldier was standing. He looked bored so I decided to go bother him and see if he had any information I needed. It's not that I'd totally forgotten what my next quest was; I just couldn't remember all the details... Yeah, let's stick with that.

"Haloo!" I cried out, coming to stand beside him. It was kinda awkward, what with the guy so interested in staring blankly at his rock wall. He didn't even turn to acknowledge me. The nerve of that guy! Here I am, a pretty little wood-elf with war-paint to die for, and he thinks I'm less interesting than a pile of bloody rocks! I couldn't let this go. "HELLO!" I screamed, prodding him a little. He finally turned to me but his eyes were huge and dead. It felt like he was staring down into my _soul. _He didn't say a word. He didn't blink. He just kept staring at me. And staring. And _staring._ I coughed. "Alrighty then," I gave him a small wave and got my ass out of there. I looked back and saw him staring at his beloved rock wall again. What a weirdo! Geeze, if this is what all Imperial soldiers are like, count me out! I'll go join the Stormcloaks!

Luckily the other Imperial soldiers were much more talkative than Rocky back there, but let me tell you, what a bunch of whiners! 'Stormcloack stole my land' this, 'killed my cousin' that. PAH! I left them to their moaning. I had better, more adventurous things to do, like looking round their camp for any unattended chests. I was happily relieving a drawer of its stash of gold when I realised there was someone else there with me. "I wasn't doing nothing!" I squeaked.

Just my damned luck, I'd been caught by the Camp Commander! He didn't seem that upset at my financial liberation and let me go about my sticky fingered business after I'd listened to him complain. I snickered behind his back as I took a handful of gold from his personal chest.

Deciding not to push my luck, I wandered out to the main camp again, slipping past the disgruntled men who stared mournfully into the fire now that I was ignoring all their tries to drag me back into their pity-party. I entered another tent, and was taken aback by the sheer wall of misery I'd slammed into. Three men were there, laying on their sleeping bags. One guy was coughing harshly, and the bandages over his eye were stained with blood and dirt. The other two were curled up, moaning in pain. Somewhere, deep, _deep _down in that little part of me that was still vaguely compassionate under all the armour and gore, I felt a swell of pity for them. Well, I'm pretty sure it was pity, but more likely it was a poorly timed stomach ache. Still, it was joined by that little voice only adventurers have that whispered the sweets words of '_hefty reward'_ whenever we're faced with a moral decision.

Listening to that little voice and my stomach-ache, I lit up my hands with a healing spell and couldn't help the smug smile that flowed over my face. "You're gonna owe me," I snickered as I released my magic.

Now, I don't profess to be a master of magic. In fact, most of the time I just use fire magic to solve things, and my big-ass battle axe to solve anything that's still alive afterwards. However, I know just enough about magic to understand what I was currently using on the poor injured people wasn't my healing magic, oh no. I was setting everything on fire.

Oops.

Of course, the Imperial soldiers weren't too happy with me after that, but did they really have to resort to violence upon my person? I mean, I did it with the best of intentions. Sure, a whole bunch of people burned to death, but they were on the out anyway. It was a mercy kill! Doesn't that count for anything?

...It doesn't? Well...quiet you! I never asked! Plus they ganged up on a small girl. Those Imperial troops have no sense of decency!

Ripping Horsie away from his new friends and valiantly calling a retreat, I ducked and dodged the Imperial bowmen until I was safely away from their camp. Then the wolves arrived.

Karma's a bitch.

- Galadriel Lv. 8

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><p>Heh, me and any magic that isn't destructive... Chapter was a long time coming, since I wasn't sure I should continue. The awesome responses I got convinced me otherwise. Hope you like it!<p>

I only own a copy of Skyrim that I'm playing. Badly.

Inuchron


End file.
